im done .

stuck in the past - hindering my present - affecting my future .

im in a predicament , and im forced to live with it . i cud easily play the victim , or i cud move on . im sick of myself complaining about something that i cnt change , its not fair to me . almost every aspect of my live has been affected by these past few months . im stressing over people who hate me & someone who doesnt even acknowledge my existence anymore . im not going to beg . i cnt force anybody to do anything . the only thing i can do is be positive . be positive for my future endeavors that lie ahead , whatever they may be . ima make positivity part of my new swag ; no more walking around lethargically & apathetically , kus i refuse to be that person anymore . & i also refuse to take the blame for things i ddnt do . i gotta look out for #1 nowadays ; stop dwelling on events that inevitably led to my downfall . but everything happens for a reason right ? Welcome Back Joey .

run . joey . run .

im a never ending problem . im a never ending fck up . im a never ending disappointment . im a never ending disaster .

i run .
i run from everybody and everything .
i run from school : because im falling behind ; so i bunk .
i run my my family : because i cnt bare them or the environment ; so i stay out as long as i can .
i run from friends : because i dnt kno how to communicate ; so i act like i dnt give two fcks .
i run from my problems : because its easier than facing them ; so never fix anything .
i run from life : because its too much for me to handle ; so at night i sleep and hope i dnt wake up .

Best Thing I Never Knew I Needed . . .

Train Wreck .

Rewind : August 13, 2009

Anonymous: i think that one of my greatest friends in the whole world even though he doesnt believe it is joey

Fast-Forward : September 30, 2009

Anonymous: it seems like yu've picked yur boat & unfortunately im not on tht one . . . but if yu'd like to leave as is & walk away then , even though it'll hurt me , i'll respect yur decision & move on

" Some love was long gone
But we still try to make a way .
Headed in the wrong direction
But goin' hard anyway .
We should have stopped at the next stop
Before we had a head on collision .

We're movin , movin on a train ,
Goin', goin' miles away
(from home , from home)
Saying bye to yesterday .
We're running , running from the pain ,
Hopin' we don't go in insane .

I heard the crash ,
I saw the fire ,
I held my chest ,
It was a mess .
We tried to prevent it ,
Our hearts were to deep in it .
We had a train wreck ;
We couldn't prevent it ."

-------------------- August 13, 2009 10:53 pm --------------------
Anonymous: i think that one of my greatest friends in the whole world even though he doesnt believe it is joey
Anonymous: yu may ask why
Anonymous: frankly i do & i dnt kno why but let me elaborate
Anonymous: i do cuz hes been there for me from the start
Anonymous: wen i mean the start i mean the start . wayy back in freshman year
Anonymous: i always considered him my bestfriend cuz hes the one person that i feel the most comfortable with
Anonymous: i can jus be me
Anonymous: & not jus a portion of me like everybody sees
Anonymous: i have crazy big ideas & plans which succeed & fail
Anonymous: my happiest moments i tld him about them , he was the first to kno
Anonymous: all my dilemmas & everything it was him
Anonymous: & i still feel that til this day
Anonymous: hes my best friend
Anonymous: & i want him to be that way for the rest of my life
Anonymous: hes the only person that i dnt mind hitting up & i mean that literally
Anonymous: ____ i cnt do that
Anonymous: ____ def not
Anonymous: i can wit ___ but its not that same yu kno , me & him have a stronger bond
Anonymous: thats why i dnt want him to be sad
Anonymous: cuz he doesnt deserve to be
Anonymous: hes the greatest person i kno & i love him wit all my heart
Anonymous: so i want him to take the initiative to do what im doing
Anonymous: deciding on having a happier life
Anonymous: not only that but the attitude im taking on life
Anonymous: i hope he reads all of this so that he knows he has options
Anonymous: dnt isolate yurself
Anonymous: its not a good feeling
Anonymous: i want him to feel like he can tell me the world & more
Anonymous: so there
Anonymous: thats how i feel & i meant every last word


and finally , things boiled over ; in a sort of Anti-Climactic way .

-------------------- September 30, 2009 --------------------
[22:42] Anonymous: out of the group , im basically the only one thts yur friend
[22:42] Anonymous: & idk yu've been different lately

[22:52] Anonymous: thts what happened to yu & ____
[22:53] Anonymous: i dnt want tht to happen to yu & me cuz we've been friends for what 3 years now & yu've become one of my personal closest friends but lately it doesnt seem tht way
[22:53] Anonymous: i kno yu got yur issues & i support yu & try to help yu but yur fckkn shiett up for yurself .

[22:57] Anonymous: it seems like yu've picked yur boat & unfortunately im not on tht one
[22:57] Anonymous: i love yu , of course i do , i always have but this shiett needs to stop

[23:00] Anonymous: & if our relationship goes down the tube , its not gonna be my fault cuz im tryna fix this

[23:03] Anonymous: the tribe is still hea but yur somewea else

[23:05] Anonymous: i feel like yur hiding behind all this pain tht yu feel & not dealing with it , bringing on this new persona , this new personality

[23:08] Anonymous: but if yu'd like to leave as is & walk away then , even though it'll hurt me , i'll respect yur decision & move on

" If you ever see her ,
If you ever meet her ,
If you ever get the chance to sit down,
talk to her ;
Let her know it's so cold .
It's so cold ,
Here without her .
And tell her I miss her ,
Tell her I need her ,
Tell her I want her ,
I really want her , to come back home ,
back to keep me warm .
Tell her I'm sorry , I'm really sorry .
Can you forgive me ?
Please forgive me .
And come back home ,
keep me safe and warm . "

“ Missing someone gets easier everyday . Because , even though it is one day further from the last time you spoke with each other , it is one day closer to the next time you will . ”

alice in wonderland . .

i walk alone in the darkness on the sidewalks of life . street lights briefly pass me by & illuminate that darkness only to become black again . i see a figure cloaked with shadows in the distance ; i walk towards it . " who are you ? " i ask it . the figure starts to run when i begin to get too close to it . naively ; i follow . taking corners into alleyways & side streets . it seems to know what i'm going to do before i do it . wait , i just seen this sign , that building . " your going in circles ! " i say to it . i can hear it snicker . i stop . why am i chasing it ? i turn to my left . nothing . i turn to my right . nothing . i look around ; there's nobody insight . its only me ; only me in the middle of this empty street . i turn around only to see that at the end of the street , the street lights begin to flicker , parallel to each other , 2 at a time , they shut off . the next 2 turn off . then the next . the darkness is coming for me . its getting closer . i have no choice but to run . i'm running away from the darkness ; the unknown . then i see that at the end of the street where i'm running to , the lights begin to turn off over there as well . nothing but darkness to the front , back & left of me , i'm forced to turn right . the street begins to look like a tunnel with lights on all the way to the end . i'm starting to loose my stamina ; I've been running for hours . i don't know where i am . i'm lost . i push my body & mind to the limit & keep running so that the darkness doesn't catch up with me . i don't how know long I've been running , but i find myself at a dead end . I've ran all this way to escape the shadows , & here i am , at this brick wall : my final destination . im cold , tired , hungry , & weak . i sit on the ground & rest . i close my eyes , just for a minute . when i reopen them , the darkness has finally caught up with me . i stand up & frantically search for a secret passage , door , or something . the pitch blackness is coming for me . i see something . something emerging from the darkness . it's the shadowy figure . it walks past me , & stops as the wall . after all this time , i have it right where i want it . i ask it to turn around ; no response . " TURN AROUND ! " i screamed & still nothing . the figure then slowly turns around as the shadows begin to disperse . i finally get a glimpse of who I've been chasing , only for me to look dead into its eyes in disbelief . its me .

I've been chasing myself .
trying to find me .
while running from the world .

One In The Same / Thank You Later . .

i was reading old posts from people in their blogs & came across one that i could fully connect to :


" I dnt usually complain. Ever . I bottle it in. A lot of people know nothing about me or what goes on behind the scenes. because any situation im faced with is dealt by me . I really dont even have anyone who i would openly tell everythin . I have trouble trustin . And many i did trust arent there anymore . So at the end of the day its me and the weight I carry on my chest . Even in my blogs I refrain from exposing it all . However i do feel as if this is my diary. So I may have my outbreaks. "


i can truely relate to this post ; down to every sentence & every word . its kinda weird that someone else wrote this , and its exactly how i feel .


i dnt have permission to use this , probably cudnt get it anyways .
so dnt worry about who the writer is .


so just consider this my post .

everything is not , as it seems . .

i wasnt gonna post this , but jeni told me that i shud always post my drafts , mistakes & ALL ; it feels better .

as human beings , we have the natural abilities to trust & to believe : to regard as right or true . im sure that everybody has experienced first hand that everything isn't as it seems . that has happened to me lately . im not going to elaborate as to what it's about because it " was inappropriate " , or something like that , when i stated how i felt before , in MY blog . anyways , back on topic . we can believe in many things , such as a religion , magic , aliens , people , friendships ect . yu believe in almost everything that yu see in everyday life , whether you know it or not ( to think or suppose something , is to believe ) . so before yu use this word again , just remember that in the middle of the word believe , is the word

LIE .

Dormire Per Sempre ( Sleep Forever ) . .

when people feel their day isn't going well , after a long day at work , or school , or both ; or even at the start of the day when they first wake up in the morning . people turn to sleep to help solve their problems of the day . most people find that it's better & easier to sleep away the problems of life , than actually face them . sleeping is a temporary getaway or escape from the everyday . sleep is a place where worries don't exist . sleeping is a way to avoid & hide from problems ; but by doing that , it doesn't help make them go away . problems & obstacles are never conquered until confronted . if problems aren't ever dealt with , they will never go away & most likely worsen over time . & what about naps ? some people turn to naps as well . napping is a miniature form of sleeping . napping comes into play wen people feel tired after what they endured during the course of the day . so if the world could solve all of its' problems wit a nap ; the whole world would be forever asleep .